10 Weird Things You’re Supposed to Do When You’re a Woman

January 30, 2012

I was putting on makeup the other day when I realized it’s totally bizarre that I’m expected to do that in preparation for a business meeting. Admittedly, even I look at my un-made-up face and think, “oh THAT won’t do” if I’m going somewhere important. Isn’t this WEIRD? When did our own faces become all wrong without a bunch of stuff put on them? This got me thinking about all the things we’re expected to do as women. All of those expectations seemed bizarre. When you’re female you are expected to:

1. Draw on your face with colored pencils. For men this is only for when your friends pass out drunk; then you get to draw on THEM. When you’re a woman, you have to do it to yourself. Every day.

2. Strap spikes to your shoes and balance on them. This makes you look “nice” if you’re a woman.

3. Change your name to say you love someone. When you really really really like someone you’re supposed to stop being yourself and start being someone different, symbolized by changing your name. Pointing out that women start out with their dad’s name and switch to some other guy’s name, so they never really have a name of their own, isn’t a groundbreaking observation, but it’s still weird. On the other hand, when else do you get the chance to get a new name so why not (unless your life love’s name sucks)?

4. Play hard to get. If you’re a woman and you’re approached for a date by someone you like, you are supposed to say “no”. Eventually you can say “yes” but then you have to cancel at least once and only sporadically respond to said person’s attempts to communicate with you. And this is how you’re supposed to treat a person you LIKE! Even when you’re an adult woman you’re still supposed to act like you’re all a bunch of kids chasing each other around on a playground. Weird.

5. Install paint on your fingernails which, weirdly, makes them more delicate rather than stronger (cuz you can’t mess up the paint, don’t ya know). Which serves no purpose. What? I notice that several weird things women are expected to do involve staining body parts unnatural colors. I’m not even going to mention that anal bleaching thing (though I just did).

6. Act like you can’t do all the things you can do. People always tell me to back off on my abilities so that others (well…men) won’t be intimidated, or they’ll feel needed, or whatever. As Madonna sang, “when you open up your mouth to speak, can you be a little weak.” Weird. Just because I can use a table saw doesn’t mean I don’t need help with other stuff; why isn’t it as charming to need help with the vacuuming as it is to need help with the framing of my new garage extension?

7. Plan your wedding when you’re in the second grade. “Every girl has a dream wedding in mind.” “As girls, we spend our whole lives dreaming of what our perfect dream wedding will be.” “All girls dream of their wedding day.” “Every little girl plays ‘bride.” I pulled those quotes from the top Google results for “wedding”. My personal favorite is “Girls start planning their weddings at age seven. Boys wait until the day before.” Ha! That does it, a man’s soul lurks in this X chromosome-laden body. Don’t get me wrong, I, too, would love to be a princess, but only because I want a kingdom to command, not because I want to put on a fluffy white glorified tutu, parade around in front of all my friends calling it “my day”, and force them to fight nearly to the death for the flowers I throw at them. Actually, you know, that does sound kind of fun.

8. Be willing and able to never go anywhere alone. If you’re female, there are men who want to hurt you. It seems that we’re stuck with that. Weirdly, though, rather than the general sentiment be “we should stop these people from hurting women” it’s “we should keep women from doing anything on their own.” I realize there’s a reason to do things for personal safety, but it really does seem as if all the energy goes into convincing women it’s too dangerous to go out on their own rather than convincing bad men that they belong locked up forever.

9. Take forever to get ready to go out. Ever had a climbing partner drop you off to change before dinner, saying he’ll be “back in an hour and a half”? An hour and a fucking half? No. If I’ve been climbing, I’ll be starving and need a burger and I’m not waiting no ninety minutes to get one. Leave the car running in the driveway; I’ll go put on clean underwear and some jeans and put on a beanie and I’m good to go. Is this about that colored pencils thing again? It’s not gonna happen when I’m hungry.

10. Not like sports or motors. You’re a girl, you can’t like baseball, you have to ease it up and make it “soft” ball. If someone asks you what kind of car you have you’re likely to respond “a blue one.” You won’t know how to change the oil or even change a tire. If you can, I refer you to #6, which describes how you’re supposed to pretend you can’t.

Bonus #11 – If you, too, think all the above expectations are weird, you’re gay. Look, I’ve no problem with my Sapphic sisters. Those chicks are fun as hell! But you don’t have to be a lesbian to be into motorcycles and short fingernails. It doesn’t matter if you are or not, it’s just the assumption that bugs me.

Once I got done writing this, I started wondering what weird things we expect men to do. I suspect that deep inside we’re all pretty much the same regardless of gender so I’m sure that men carry a burden of weird expectations too. I’m a woman, so I couldn’t answer that question, but I still wanted to know, so I asked Brendan Leonard of http://www.semi-rad.com to answer it for me. So here are:

10 Weird Things You’re Expected to Do When You’re A Man

Courtesy of Brendan Leonard, Man’s Man, Blogger, and King of Enthusiasm

1. Keep track of football scores/know the names of professional athletes. I don’t hate football. But a lot of football games take place during the hours that tend to be perfect for climbing and other outdoor activities – i.e., daylight. Thusly, I’m a little behind on who is playing for what team, and who is doing well. I mean, three hours is a long time to set aside on a weekend. Most movies aren’t that long. Sorry. I realize this is un-American. We’re going to have to find something else to talk about. Perhaps we can bro out about bicycles, or skiing, or The Departed? That would be great.

2. Know what’s wrong with a car. I don’t know what’s wrong with your car, I’ll just be honest here. If it has oil, coolant, gas, and air in the tires, and it’s not overheating, it should be running, and if it’s not, I don’t know what to tell you. I have a AAA card. They can help. Let’s call them.

3. Wear closed-toed shoes. These are my toes. They are not pretty. They hate socks. They like Chacos, which are the Air Jordans of Colorado, which is where I’ve spent the majority of the past six years of my life. Sorry if that’s “feminine.”

4. Own power tools. I own ice tools, an avalanche beacon, several ropes, and a whole collection of dinged-up cams and nuts and carabiners and all that stuff you use for rock climbing. I bought my first drill about 18 months ago, and have used it twice. When it comes down to taking care of a home, I don’t know how to do shit. But I can probably fix your bicycle, which I think is probably less masculine than mentioning that I need to run down to Home Depot and pick up a new rip saw. Actually, I don’t even know what a rip saw is. But I will build you a bomber rap anchor if needed.

5. Not talk about things other than sports, cars and power tools. Men are not supposed to talk to each other, unless we’re sitting next to each other in a bar or the front seat of an automobile. No sitting across from each other in a restaurant or coffee shop, just talking. If you want to talk to a male friend, go climbing together, or watch football, or at the very least, play pool. Preferably while drinking beer. But don’t, under any circumstances, get together just to talk to each other.

6. Not listen. Woman, please. I am watching the game.

7. Objectify women. Trust me, I love looking at beautiful women just as much as the next straight guy, but being put in situations where women are nothing but sex objects makes me feel dumber, and kind of sad for America. Please, take away my man card. Hooters, for example. If the food was really that good at Hooters, would the waitresses really need to dress like that? Beer billboards: If you drink Bud Light, this ad agency-hired model will definitely sleep with you. Sure. Cheerleaders: Are cheerleaders leading the cheers? No, the sports team is. When the team scores, the crowd cheers. When the cheerleaders come out, mostly men just stare at them and think about what they would look like if they somehow lost the tiny articles of clothing they are wearing.

8. Ride a horse. Just kidding, nobody expects you to know how to ride a horse anymore.

9. Not cry/be sad/emotional. Do men purchase Bon Iver albums? Yes they do.

10. Realize when women are attracted/interested in us. See Jill’s #4. If my life experience is at all similar to most men’s, we have no idea. We are clueless. I mean, seriously. Just say something. Don’t worry about being too forward. It’s refreshing, especially if you’re in your early 30s and have been wandering around totally ignorant since the eighth grade.

 

Thanks Brendan! See, people? We’re all the same. It’s just these weird expectations that make it so hard to get along. Next time you’re at a loss for what to do in a situation, remember, there are no hard-and-fast roles to which you must subscribe. Just be yourself. You’re going to have to do it anyway at some point so you might as well start now.

New Review: Outdoor Retailer People

January 22, 2012

“So, Jill, do you have a lover?”

“…..No….”

This is the conversation that sticks in my mind as representative of the last week, as I write this on the plane home from Outdoor Retailer Winter Market. My outdoor industry family is ingrained into my life to the point at which they care about whether I’m being appropriately sexually serviced by the partner of my choice. It’s sweet, really. The asker of this question evidently has an introduction she wants to make, which naturally means I simply must go heli skiing halfway across the planet so that my dear friend can introduce me to her other dear friend in hopes that sparks will fly and the answer to that question will change. To that I say….okay!

Regardless of whether that actually happens, I always leave OR with the sense that there are people all over the planet I connect with as a part of the outdoor industry, which is why I keep coming back to the show. It’s a sentiment I keep hearing from others who make the pilgrimage, and though some of you might be signing on to the blog to read about the cool gear I saw at the show, I’m afraid you might be disappointed by this post. Talking about the gear will come, I’m sure, but first I have to finish recapping the people.

Walking through the show floor is an exercise in hugs, shouted greetings, business card exchanges, random encounters, and big smiles. What makes you feel more welcome than a huge grin and open arms charging at you from down the hall? If you’re not in the outdoors industry, chances are you don’t start your business meetings with big hugs, but that’s how we roll at OR. I’m kind of a reserved person so four years ago I wouldn’t have ever booked a work trip and looked forward to the hugs, but it’s a perk of OR that I’m not about to give up.

Sometimes you recognize a person right away, like when Paige Boucher (who I weirdly and spastically introduced to Bret Wydysh as Paige Brady – short circuit, likely caused by a late night at the Franti concert, but quickly corrected – regardless, I apologize to both Paiges. Sorry. What the hell…?) and I ran into each other in the halls, other times it sneaks up on you: while waiting around for a friend to meet me, I spotted an attendee with great pants, and stared at them for a minute, idly wondering what kind they were. The wearer also had on a great shirt (Earthtec Boxelder Hoodie) as well and the clothing so distracted me that I didn’t realize at first that the wearer was none other than Amy Jurries from TheGearcaster.com. Big hugs ensued, naturally.

Sara Lingafelter and I found ourselves with the hurricane eyes of our schedules miraculously aligned, and we spent an unheard of forty minutes chatting, strolling, and introducing each other around at the show. If you’re lucky enough to be in Sara’s circles, you know how great this is because, as she puts it, “some people I won’t say anything bad about, but others make me want to say nice things about them.” I think I speak for most OR attendees when I say that Sara’s endorsement really does mean something, as does her friendship (and hugs). If Sara thinks I’m legit, I must be doing something right, and I’m saying that as a reflection on Sara’s character rather than mine.

My biggest failing at this show was not saying hello to Brendan Leonard, whom I saw standing at a booth, talking (we’ve never met in real life but believe me, he’s unmistakeable). I didn’t want to interrupt his conversation (I’m reserved, remember) and I figured we’d run into each other later, but we didn’t . So, Brendan, huge virtual hug and apology for my reticence though do wish to point out that I was only trying to be polite and not interrupt you.

See? I don’t even know that guy yet and I fully intend to hug the hell out of him next time I see him. And the vibe doesn’t stop there; at one point I needed a ticket to a party. A stranger handed me one. I needed a ride to the airport in the middle of the day today; one of my clients dropped everything and took me there. I hadn’t brought enough changes of clothes; Kelsey at Five Ten handed me a t-shirt. And don’t even think for a second that if you want a beer you won’t immediately have one put in your hand – that almost goes without saying. At OR you’ll get lattes in the morning from Royal Robbins, energy food throughout the day from Clif and Honey Stinger (I don’t even try to pretend I’m not basically making lunch out of their samples) and others, much-needed afternoon-downswing Red Bull from Arc’Teryx (thanks Josh!), and beer and cocktails at happy hour from just about everyone. If you’ve never seen Michael Franti and Spearhead in concert and you’re in the back of the concert hall but want to be front row center, outdoor industry peeps will not only let you through but they will actively help you move through the crowd to the front, to be eventually enveloped in a big, sweaty Michael Franti hug.

As for me I’m happy to do my part; to make introductions between friends and contacts and walk someone over to someone else with whom there might be some mutual benefit to a connection. Sure, this is a business, but there’s no reason why it can’t operate on the cooperation model rather than in pure competition style. No one can be good at everything and we can’t have it all, so we might as well help others have a piece of it.

It’s not normal, this industry. And for that, we’re lucky.

As Close As I’ll Get to Live Blogging OR

January 18, 2012

I dunno, I think live blogging is kind of lame, especially for the blogger, because if you’re doing something you should focus on what you’re doing, not blogging about it. But, as I did at SIDI Press Camp, taking advantage of a spare moment to update the readership about the happenings seems worthwhile, so here it is.

Today was the Outdoor Demo day at Outdoor Retailer trade show. I’m a never ever for demo days so I thought I’d make the effort this year. Basically you hike yourself over to the Salt Palace, wait in at least three lines to get passes, waivers, and stamps, then get on the bus that drives you to the demo day. That all took way longer than necessary which is all right, but being trapped on the bus while it maneuvered backwards and forwards around the parking lot while the driver yelled instructions to us that couldn’t be heard way in the back of the bus was pretty lame. Just let us off! We’ll figure it out.

So we finally got spat out of the bus and waited in yet another line to basically do the same thing we already did at the Salt Palace except that they didn’t give us little green pieces of paper to use as tickets to demo gear (by far the dumbest thing ever. Surely it’s a demo day and we should try as many as we like, that’s the point, right? But no, we only got three, which was OK because most of the brands didn’t take the little green slips but a few did, so if you demo boots and skis and poles….you’re done and that’s what you’re on all day, which seems like a good way to get people to, well, hog gear all day. But what do I know?) so of course there was another line.

All that done with, I met up with a friend who had been patiently waiting and waiting and waiting for me to get through all that crap, and we hit the slopes.

Have I mentioned Anchorage is having one of its record years for snow? Yeah. So huge patches of ice, bare rocks, and exposed vegetation everywhere wasn’t the most thrilling thing ever. It turned out that my friend is a former ski racer from the East coast, so he took to the conditions like a duck to water while I gingerly sideslipped down the sketchier patches (which were legion). It’s been a while since I had a ski partner have to wait for me at the bottom of every run, but then again I usually ski either the backcountry, where you ski one at a time anyway, or solo at the resort where I’m naturally the fastest one in my group of me.

I tried four pairs of skis over the course of the day, two I really REALLY liked, one I thought was okay, and one I hated, but I don’t think the testing conditions of the two losers were very good (one pair was just far too short for me and the other pair was most definitively a powder ski and mounted all wrong for me) so I don’t think it’s fair to harsh on those particular skis or even name them until I’ve a chance to try them out in better conditions. The gear made a huge difference; on the skis I disliked, I felt actively uncomfortable and lost all my confidence. I felt like I was constantly on the verge of a terrible crash. So I ditched those skis after two cautious runs and picked up another pair I thought I’d like better.

The two I really liked were the Black Diamond Element, a huge pow ski that did super well on the ice and hardpack, which was shocking; and the 4FRNT Aretha which was one of the most fun skis ever. Both of these skis are going in my quiver somehow. Mark my words!

Honestly, how do people buy big things like skis and bikes without trying them first? That’s what we have to do in Alaska, where demo days are all but nonexistent. I would have liked to have tried other skis, but there wasn’t a ton of time and, as is traditional for the outdoor industry, a lot of the tents started closing up early so I was outta luck. Even though it’s a pain, I highly recommend finding a way to test anything big that you want to buy. These things are highly subjective and what suits one person might not suit you so try it before you plunk down 900 bones on skis you don’t know at all.

It started dumping snow in the middle of the day and the last few runs were markedly better and more fun. We skied until the lifts closed and laughed when we found the 4FRNT guy, who luckily is a friend of my ski partner, sitting in a chair where his booth used to be, having packed it up already and just sitting there waiting so people wouldn’t think he already left.

The one real downer of the day was having a company, one I’ve featured on my site before and with whom I’ve an appointment at the show on Friday, treat me like shit at the demo tent. I could barely get anyone to notice me – they pretended I wasn’t there – and even when I spoke directly and repeatedly to the staff, they all but ignored me completely, one guy tapping at his phone and not once looking up while he reluctantly spoke back to me, obviously hoping I was going to just go away. When I finally talked them into letting my try some skis, they backed out immediately, citing the fact that their “binding guy isn’t here right now”. Uggghhh. You can bet that I’m going to mention this experience when I visit the booth at OR on Friday. And I’m a little soured on that company at the moment. Why would you treat people like that at an event designed to showcase your product?

So, basically an okay experience but what made it truly fun was having a friend to ski with, especially one really knowledgeable about skis and brands and all that fun stuff. He’s the one who suggested the 4FRNT Arethas and he was so right, they were great. I was very stoked to find new skis to fall in love with and I’m hoping to get my hands on them again for experimenting with them in better conditions.

Aaaand now it’s time to get ready to go out for pizza. Tomorrow and the next day and half of the next day: booth appointments with lots of fun stuff in between, including the Industry Party and the Franti concert. Not sure if I’ll update everyday but my guess is that it’s not going to be a top priority.

Why Traveling Alone Is Rad

January 12, 2012

I love to travel and I mostly do it by myself. Why should I hold back just because I don’t always have someone to travel with? Today I stopped by the salon to get a pre-trip eyebrow wax and my longtime stylist (yes, I have a longtime stylist. I like to clean myself up every now and then, I’m not ashamed) said that she thought I was crazy for going to Central America by myself (again). To me it’s kind of normal; I took even my very first trip overseas by myself, way back in the day. My trips on my own vastly outnumber my trips con companion, so I was taken aback by my stylist’s shock. So I got to thinking about all the reasons that traveling by yourself can be – and is – awesome.

1. There’s no need for a pre-trip diet or workout regimen. If you don’t have anyone taking pictures of you, who cares what you look like in that bikini?

2. There is no one to witness your stupid mistakes. The goofs I made during my first trip abroad were legion. But there was no one to laugh at me so what does it matter? They make great stories now and I just don’t tell the really embarrassing parts.

3. You can do whatever the hell you want every single day. There’s no compromising on the day’s activities, no debate about how to spend your time, no one sleeping too late or setting the alarm too early. It’s all you, baby.

4. You can still claim to speak the language. Notice how “no witnesses” is the theme here? You can loftily tell your friends about how easy it is for you to travel since you’re such a language maven, because they’re not there to watch you stumble and stutter your way through a simple request for directions.

5. You make new friends – because you have to. When you travel with a companion, you’re usually focused on that companion. When you’re alone, you have to reach out to the people that you meet or your trip will be pretty lonely.

6. Vacation hookups. OK, so I’ve never done this in my life, not even once, except kind of this one time when I was 12 and my mom took me to this Dirty Dancing-esque retreat in the Catskills (note: not as glamorous as it looks on that movie) and there was this other pre-teen that I thought was cute, so we chased Daddy Longlegs spiders together (not an early bloomer, me). No, I’ve never found my Johnny Castle while on vacay. But the possibility is there. If you’re by yourself, and you do run into a group of hot NOLS students or want to pick up that sexy hitchhiker, there is no one around to besmirch your reputation.

7. Your comfort zone is all that matters. If it turns out that Nicaraguan trade routes are a little too full-on, you can sprawl on the beach for two weeks drinking caipirinias and all anyone will gather from your trip report is “I went to Nicaragua and you didn’t.”

8. One change of clothes is plenty. Who’s gonna know?

9. You can let your bad attitude flag fly. Once I was in the Yucatan after a solo jungle trek, being put up at a five star resort, with all my needs attended to. But I was just not having fun. At all. So, I picked up the phone, called the airline, changed my flight, paid the fee, caught a taxi, and was on a plane home 90 minutes later. I never regretted it. If someone was with me, chances are they would have complained about leaving behind an all inclusive extravaganza in favor of the deep dark of an Alaskan winter.

10. You’ll always, always end up the better for it. Even the worst solo trips produce great life lessons and memories that will last for years. Sure, I felt stupid skinny dipping in the Italian cliffside pool that turned out to have a full bank of underwater windows to entertain the bar patrons, but it was a learning experience that will never leave me. I held my head high walking through that establishment to go back to my room, and you know what? I’ll never forget that hotel, or the people I met that night who proved to be lifelong friends and who, though to this day still laugh about my full-monty gaffe, shared some of my most-cherished, and most-told travel stories ever.

Thou Shalt Design Low Rise Pants

January 4, 2012

I just reviewed a base layer that had the dreaded Mom styling to the bottoms. I’m amazed that this design is still out there. It’s awful and totally unreasonable.

I think of “low rise” as normal, anymore, and high rise is thankfully getting thrown by the wayside where it belongs. Pants should never have a high rise for the following reasons:

1. They are uncomfortable. A seam digging into your waist/rib cage makes you miserable.

2. They are hard to get on and off. This is really bad for base layers, but for outer pants it’s also an issue. We’re using this stuff outside, and usually in cold weather. When we need to drop trou, we need to do it quickly and effeciently, and hiking our jackets up to our armpits to find the tops of our pants is not efficient. It’s also not efficient for the waist of your pants to be way above the hip belt on your pack.

3. All our other pants are low rise. Having high rise base layers sticking out of low rise pants looks and feels stupid. Having low rise base layers under high rise pants is uncomfortable. Styles should match.

4. It’s a lazy style. High rise pants are for designers who don’t bother to figure out how to actually fit a woman’s body. Don’t be lazy. Everyone else has figured it out, you should too.

5. It looks terrible. High rise pants look awful. They make hips look huge, asses look big, indicate that one’s general style is frumpy, and contribute to the dreaded camel toe phenomenon.

Stop making these stupid things already. There’s no need to show crack, but there’s no need for pants to go anywhere near a woman’s rib cage either.

No Words Required

January 4, 2012

Other than thanks Scott Mlynarczyk for the photos.

Gear of the Year 2012

January 3, 2012

I’ve already picked it out, why wait until December 31?

I’ve had so much trouble with debilitating, scary cold feet this year on nearly every single outing that I’ve been running nonstop experiments with tips and tricks I’ve gathered from others. I already clued you into the aspirin trick (Gear of the Year 2011), for which I can evidently thank Billy Finley (and Todd Kelsey for passing it on to me) and now I have another one for you.

Today, after a ski tour in 5-15 degree weather, I told my ski partner that in my entire life I’ve finished skiing with non-numb feet exactly twice. Today was one of those times. Last Sunday was the other. On both of those days, I had been experimenting with a new trick – slathering my feet with antiperspirant.

You might be thinking that two tours is not enough to determine the effectiveness of this trick. I strongly disagree. Sunday’s trip was conducted in entirely minus degree temps and today’s temps were quite cold as well. I was so confident in this trick that today I took the plunge and didn’t even use chemical warmers in my boots. I would never have dared to do that before trying this. I can assure you that there is no way that I would ever have had warm feet in single digit temperatures, ever, ever, ever, without something being drastically different. I usually have ice-block, totally numb feet by the time I’m done with the uptrack, and that’s really saying something considering that skinning is pretty hard work and the rest of me is usually soaked in sweat (aha).

I have just been using regular Lady Speed Stick solid, just kind of smearing it around and using my hands to work it between the toes. IT WORKS. To be safe I make sure to dry my feet with my truck’s heater before I put my ski boots on, but I’m not sure that’s necessary as the difference when using the antiperspirant is mind-blowing. I was able to go slow and dawdle around on the summit today, have some pictures taken, take my sweet time – and never had even the slightest beginnings of cold feet. Same thing last Sunday. This is going to change my life, my skiing, and my boot fit, forever.

It’s also a great way to passive-aggressively get back at people for using my deodorant stick. Borrow it at your peril.

Someone Pissed Me Off Today

January 2, 2012

As I mentioned in my last trip report, I broke my bindings during my last day out. It’s only a small part, so I bounced around to the various shops today looking for a replacement. Coincidentally, today I also participated in a bit of a discussion on Twitter about local bike/ski shops and how, in my opinion, they do a terrible job inspiring people to spend more to buy local. The reasons for that are no doubt many and complex, but I stumbled upon a perfect example of why local shops can be total bullshit, so I’ll tell you about it.

The shop was a little busy so I wandered around waiting for a salesperson to become available. While wandering, I saw a woman trying on Scarpa Diva boots and asking why she had so much discomfort with them. Since I ski on Scarpa Star Lites – same thing, only three buckles instead of four and a softer plastic – and did half a season on Divas, my interest was piqued and I listened in. She was having trouble getting her boots into walk mode and the salesperson said, more to her husband/partner than to her, “I’m trying to be nice, but she doesn’t have the leg strength to put the boots into walk mode.” At that, my little fox ears tuned right into the rest of the conversation. I watched as the salesman grabbed this poor woman’s legs and slammed them upright, almost knocking her off balance, to show her how to put the boots into walk mode.

Maybe this makes me a nosy jerk, but I couldn’t stand it without saying anything – it should not be that hard to get boots into walk or ski mode! So I spoke up and mentioned that I’d had a similar problem when I got my Star Lites, and they just needed some grease worked into the mechanism and then they’d be fine. The woman seemed interested and the salesperson seemed to accept my input (sort of), but then he went on and on and ON about how the mechanism worked (without bothering to inspect the boots for the obviously present mechanical issue). He explained how you hear a click when you get into ski mode, which is true, but it was obvious that the boots weren’t working properly and he seemed to be focused on how this poor woman was doing it wrong, which she wasn’t. He explained how you hear the click when you put the boots from walk to ski mode, and turned to me and said, placatingly, “Men like to hear the ‘click.’”

What the HELL? “I like to hear the click, too,” I said, laughing in disbelief, and just walked away. So now clicks are for men, now, are they? Women are – what? – too silly, stupid, and weak to understand how alpine touring boots work? I don’t know what to make of it other than it just cemented in my head that I’m never, ever buying anything at this shop, a belief I’ve held for a while. Later on, the woman asked me for my opinion on ski length, and the shop guy horned back in while I was talking, clearly not wanting me to have my say. Well, I kind of get that, but I was practically selling stuff for him and he, in my opinion, just wanted to look like the expert so he didn’t want me to talk, or something. I gave the woman my Geargals card so perhaps she’ll recognize this story if she looks in on the site (if so – hi! and I’m happy to answer your questions and let you try my ski quiver to see how you like the various lengths for your size).

I realize that it’s bordering on rude to butt in like that, but the salesperson was incorrect in saying that the woman wasn’t strong enough to work the boot mechanism. He seemed to not know about the potential issue with the mechanism not being greased enough. He was talking more to the woman’s male companion than he was to her; something I particularly hate. I’ve experienced this type of sexism at that shop before – years ago I had brought my skis in to have new bindings mounted, and was greeted with “big boards for a little lady, aren’t they?” I chose to take that as a joke, and explained to the tech that if the old drill holes interfered with the new setup, he was to mount the bindings forward rather than back. He responded with a condescending, “You wouldn’t notice it either way.” Hello? If I’m knowledgeable enough to give said instructions, maybe I would actually notice? I never went in that shop again until today (hey, I was desperate. My bindings are broken and I thought there was a small chance of them having the part. If they had it, I would have bought it and taken it to my regular ski shop for installation). I see nothing has changed. Why are they still in business?

I really, really want to name this shop since I’ve seen this type of thing there many times before, but that’s probably not a good idea for reasons I’m not certain of. I feel weird totally badmouthing a shop without giving them an opportunity to respond before I post this. Instead I’ll tell you where you should go if you’re in Anchorage and you need alpine or alpine touring skis or boots worked on. You should go to Ski AK which used to be World Cup Anchorage. My favorite ski tech ever, Mark Berger, works there, and all the techs are very good, skilled, and, believe it or not, good at listening to their customers, male or female. You will get treated seriously, get an excellent boot fit and an honest deal if you go there, and you will get your skis tuned and mounted properly.

A Good Start

January 2, 2012

Columbia gets to sponsor this post yet again because I’m pretty sure their base layers helped save the day. More on that later. After a late night of fireworks, bonfire, sky lantern launching, and beer in the mountains with friends, I had today to myself to do with as I pleased. Geardog was visiting my parents for the night in an attempt at fireworks stress avoidance, and I didn’t have to pick him up until later so the world was my oyster. Cell phone off, house locked up, dog safe and taken care of – time to hit the eject button and light out for the mountains.

A solo backcountry tour was on the menu today but it was looking mighty cold out. As I drove out of town things did not appear to be improving, but I’m stubborn and the ice fog on the inlet was really beautiful, with the sun filtering through bathing everything in a golden glow, while the fog rose and crashed onto the road looking just like a giant, surfable wave, so I kept going to see how it was all going to shake out. I’m not one to give up on a rare day all to myself just because of a little cold.

Well how about a little cold and wind, then? Just past Girdwood, the road all but disappeared in twisting ribbons of wind-blown snow. Nope, I didn’t stop then either. My tenacity was rewarded when I got down to the pass, because it was much warmer than I expected and there wasn’t any wind except for way up high.

By “much warmer than I expected” I mean it was only in the minus single digits and not the minus double digits which I had anticipated. I actually had to de-layer less than 1/4 mile from the parking lot and I didn’t need the face mask I’d brought along. What a nice new year’s day present from the weather.

Because I was solo I opted for a well traveled area with low-angle terrain that I know well. I have to say I somewhat regretted that decision because temps this cold equal very slow snow, so it was hard to get up enough speed to really have fun with the turns. I resolved to head back up and pick a steeper aspect but just then I was reminded that not only do cold temperatures make snow slow to slide on, they make plastic things easy to break. I snapped the riser off my binding when I tried to twist it into position with my ski pole. I still could have gone up; I was just missing the highest part of the riser and the terrain was doable on the lower setting. However, I try to maintain a conservative policy in the backcountry in general and definitely while soloing (not having a partner counts as one thing going wrong already, whether I do it on purpose or not, so one more thing going wrong equals a pattern and that means it’s time to kick-turn for the car) so I regretfully opted to bail.

Still, I had to count this day as an utter win. Not only did I persevere through scary cold and nasty-looking weather to find nice conditions in the pass and no crowds, but I evidently dressed perfectly, finishing the day nice and warm. I didn’t even have cold feet, first time EVER! In single digits and after vicious upper mountain windchill, too. I think that I’ve hit upon the magic combination of tricks which I’ll tell you more about later. As for gear, after all the base layer experimenting I’ve done I conclude that Columbia’s Omni-Heat thing really does work. It’s by far the warmest base layer I own and during these cold snaps, it’s now my favorite. I usually wear a different base layer, an old favorite which I love and highly recommend for almost everything, but today I gambled on the Omni Heat baselayers instead and it paid off so much. Legs and upper body were bordering on too warm on the up even in minus temps, so I could have left out the midlayer. This is very impressive to me since I’m such a cold little fish all the time.

I had chosen a kind of remote line for my first run, expecting to go back up for another from which I could angle back towards the truck for efficient use of vertical, but it was not to be and I did a bit of a hike of shame out from the drainage. Wasted vertical, there’s just no excuse. However, not only was the snow so sticky that I didn’t have to bother putting on my skins, but I was also treated to an amazing sunset as the mountains behind me turned bright pink then faded to white against an indigo sky. Gorgeous! My crappy pics do nothing for it. Believe me, it was really pretty. Hopefully you can see where the inspiration for the web site banner came from now!

I enjoyed a hot beverage in my truck while watching the sunset fade before heading to Girdwood to hit up Jack Sprat for dinner. They usually don’t serve dinner until 5 so I arrived about 40 minutes early, but they opted to serve my dinner right away for me since they had all the stuff prepped already. An extra win! If you go there (and you should) you have to try the vegetable gnocchi. It’s amazing and reasonably priced. I get it almost every time I go there.

So I started my day in the company of friends and fireworks, and finished my day thusly:

1. Alive
2. Unhurt.
3. Warm!
4. Having had skied the backcountry.
5. In a beautiful sunset glow.
6. Full of good food.
7. And beer.

Few things equal that good of a start to the year.

Gear of the Year

December 31, 2011

Ye gads, do I ever hate those “gear of the year” lists. It seems disingenuous to me to pretend to sort through the thousands and thousands of products and choose 5-10 to subjectively proclaim to be “the best.” This just doesn’t work because gear is made for many different conditions and so are people. What fits me might not fit you and your preferences may not line up with my preferences, and so on. This is, coincidentally enough, also why it’s so difficult to find a soulmate in this cold, cold world.

It’s certainly a cold, cold day in my cold world today which reminded me to write this post. You see, I finally found the gear that I think is deserving of a Gear of the Year post. My disclaimer is the same as the above – this really worked for me but it might not work for you. This gear, unlike most, is so cheap and readily available that giving it a try is easy and affordable, though. I can’t say that about a $400 jacket.

If you enjoy irony you will appreciate the fact that I’m chronically hypotensive (BP 80/60 typically), have an underactive thyroid, and live in Alaska and love the snow and cold. Keeping myself warm is not an easy task from a physiological perspective. I’ve chased off more men with my cold feet than you can possibly imagine (you want to find out for sure if a man is tough enough? Put your ice-block feet on his stomach and see if he screams like a baby). It’s hard to find non-romantic partners as well – I can’t go out in the backcountry with partners who like to stop and take breaks; I’ve got to keep moving or I get dangerously cold extremities almost immediately. Not taking breaks isn’t fun for most people so it’s a tough sell at times.

Over the years, though, I’ve amassed a group of backcountry partners who have a similar ethos regarding the need for a quick turnaround and constant motion; not because of the cold feet thing but because of personal preference. I was out with one of those friends last week and I told him how cold my feet get. He mentioned that I should try taking some aspirin as a blood thinner, and that it’s what alpinists do when they’re up high.

What, really? How did I not know about this? The next day I took some aspirin before I headed up and whoa, what a difference. I stayed warmer longer and, once I did get cold, I warmed up a lot faster than I had before. I thought it had to be a fluke, but a few days later I forgot to take the aspirin before heading out for a SAR event and was back to being cold immediately. Luckily one of the other searchers had some aspirin in his pack and gave me some, so my feet warmed up about 30 minutes after that. Crazy! Who knew? Well, evidently lots of people knew, but I didn’t, so just in case you didn’t either, I’m writing this post for you. What you may not know is that aspirin also can lower your risk of colon cancer by almost 50% over an extended period of time. Aspirin, Gear of the Year, $5 for 50 tablets, give or take. Enjoy.

Next Page »